Tag: marriage

A Great Leader in the Church, but a Failure at Home

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Image by Monika Robak from Pixabay

 

Among the greatest Godly leaders mentioned in the Bible are also the greatest failures as fathers. That seems like an impossible paradox. How can a man be great in his relationship with God while he is an utter failure in his home? But the mystery of truth is that such paradoxes do happen.

I haven’t taken a count yet, but it seems to me that there are more failed fathers and husbands among the Bible heroes than there are those who have successfully parented their children and happily spoused their wives.

The greatest failure as a father and a husband is one of the greatest men of God, David. Is there any other Godly man whose many sons, every one of them, turned out to be unGodly? The one seeming exception, Solomon, was an exception only in his younger days, for in his old age he too turned to idolatry. Worse, he fathered children who were even more profane than his brothers.

The second greatest failure as a father, among other Bible greats, is Samuel. This man is so great in God’s sight that he is one of the two persons (the other is Moses) given special mention by the Lord.

Then the Lord said to me, “Even if Moses and Samuel stood before Me, My mind would not be favorable toward this people”   Jer 15:1

Now let’s hear what God’s Word says about the outcome of Samuel’s parenting ways.

Now it came to pass when Samuel was old that he made his sons judges over Israel. The name of his firstborn was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. But his sons did not walk in his ways; they turned aside after dishonest gain, took bribes, and perverted justice. Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah, and said to him, “Look, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.”  1 Sam 8:1-5

The wickedness of Samuel’s sons was the direct cause for Israel’s desiring a human king and rejecting God as their king. Israel’s great King had been directly reigning over his people and administering his justice through human ‘judges’ he appointed in each generation. Samuel was the last judge of Israel, the last representative of Israel’s theocracy – the last one only because this great man of God did not have one righteous son to succeed him.

But the thing displeased Samuel when they said, “Give us a king to judge us.” So Samuel prayed to the Lord. And the Lord said to Samuel, “Heed the voice of the people in all that they say to you; for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me, that I should not reign over them”   1 Sam 8:6-7

Samuel’s childhood guardian, Eli, although not mentioned as a great servant of God, was nevertheless a priest and the judge of Israel prior to Samuel. His failure as a father caused the death of his two sons, which brought a tragic end to his own life.

Now the sons of Eli were corrupt; they did not know the Lord…Therefore the sin of the young men was very great before the Lord…Now Eli was very old; and he heard everything his sons did to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting. So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the Lord’s people transgress. If one man sins against another, God will judge him. But if a man sins against the Lord, who will intercede for him?” Nevertheless they did not heed the voice of their father, because the Lord desired to kill them…Then the Lord said to Samuel…In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he DID NOT restrain them…So the messenger answered and said, “Israel has fled before the Philistines, and there has been a great slaughter among the people. Also your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead; and the ark of God has been captured.” Then it happened, when he made mention of the ark of God, that Eli fell off the seat backward by the side of the gate; and his neck was broken and he died, for the man was old and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.’    1 Sam chapters 1-4. Emphasis mine.

Eli did admonish his sons now and then, but he did not do enough to restrain them. He totally failed in God’s sight as a parent.

As in ancient Israel, many leaders in God’s church in the present generation are so busily and faithfully engaged in doing the Lord’s work they don’t realize their home life is being seriously neglected.

Their children are being slowly lured away by the devil, their wives are secretly sorrowing. And someone or something will have to give way in the family lives of such leaders sooner or later.

In my native country, teeming with itinerant evangelists and local pastors, there is an impression in the general Christian community that many of them have children who are generally more wayward than children of parents not in the Lord’s work. Now this may not be a fair evaluation; perhaps only an infinitesimal fraction of church leaders may have begotten unruly offspring. But it certainly is a significant infinitesimal fraction. Just one pastor or priest failing as a father or a husband is sufficient for the devil to wreck much harm on the reputation of both his particular church and Christians in general in the eyes of the unbelieving public.

About three years ago I read of Benny Hinn’s divorce. A few months after his divorce, Benny Hinn said on his show ‘This is your Day’, that he was oftentimes ‘caught up with the ministry’ so much that he neglected his family. ‘I’ve made mistakes because I wasn’t the perfect husband and the perfect dad because I was always gone traveling the world,’ he remorsed. ‘That’s probably what broke the whole thing up.’

Hinn then told his viewers ‘not to neglect your family’, saying that the call of God should first touch the family.

Then recently I heard that the couple have been reconciled, and I heard Hinn declaring on his show: ‘I always thought that it was God first, then his ministry, and then my family. Now I realize that it is God first, my family second, and then God’s work’.

Benny Hinn is fortunate to have a reconciliation with his wife and the realization of the priorities in a minister’s life. But the tragedy is, too many other church leaders have not realized what Hinn had to discover painfully. Too many of them are unintentionally causing their children to turn to unrighteous ways. Too many of them are divorcing or having an unhappy marriage. I could give many examples, but don’t think that is necessary. You could easily have an idea of the scope of these sad realities in God’s church by an online search. But I wish to give one tragic example, just one that saddens me whenever I think of it.

It is the story of Jim Bakker and his wife, and their son.

Jim Bakker, as many of you may remember, was a famous televangelist in the 1970s and 80s. As has happened to many other faithful people of God, he once succumbed to the devil’s temptation, and his ministry and his reputation were totally destroyed. But worse, his family life was also splintered when his wife divorced him. God forgave his sins the moment he realized it and repented, which might have been immediately after his sinful act, or during his imprisonment. But he did repent.

‘My heart was crushed to think that I led so many people astray. I was appalled that I could have been so wrong, and I was deeply grateful that God had not struck me dead as a false prophet!’ said Jim in his 1996 book ‘I Was Wrong’.

But the public was not as quick to forgive him. And Jim faded from the annals of Christian evangelism. I did not hear of him again for a couple of decades, and then, a few years ago I read that he is back in the Lord’s service, full of the old gusto but with a new heart and a new zeal, and a new Jim Bakker Show – an hour-long daily broadcast that is aired throughout the United States, Canada, and other countries. I was happy for him.

Then, some months ago, I accidentally came across a video of a handsome young preacher and church leader. It was Jim Bakker’s son, Jay, co-founder of Revolution Church in New York City. Out of curiosity, I listened to his message…and I heard tragedy again. I heard him with my own ears declaring in his sermon: ‘I am pro-gay marriage. I don’t think it is a sin’.

Jim Bakker slipped once, repented, and now serves as a faithful minister of Christ. But the most tragic aspect of the story of his life is not related to his fall as a minister, but his failure as a father. His greatest sin may have been that he didn’t restrain his son from attitudes and ways that turned him into rejecting God’s Law relating to sexuality. Perhaps Jim may have restrained his son, I don’t know, but that didn’t prevent his offspring from not just condoning but actually promoting sin (by heading a ‘pro-gay’ ministry) in his congregation through his messages.

If a man desires to be a leader in Christ’s household, he should first prove his capability and earnestness to God by the way he rules his own household.

If anyone wants to provide leadership in the church, good! But there are preconditions: A leader must be well-thought-of, committed to his wife, cool and collected, accessible, and hospitable. He must know what he’s talking about, not be overfond of wine, not pushy but gentle, not thin-skinned, not money-hungry. He must rule his own household well, keeping his children under control, with true dignity, commanding their respect in every way and keeping them respectful. For if a man does not know how to rule his own household, how is he to take care of the church of God?’   1 Tm 3:1-3 The Message; 4-5 AMP

So, Christian worker – pastor, priest, preacher, evangelist, elder, deacon, Bible teacher, or a servant of Christ in some other field – how faithful have you been in the greatest aspect of the Lord’s ministry through you – bringing up your children in all Godliness and being a wonderful husband to the woman you married?

May the Lord direct your path into serving him both as a great servant of God and equally as a great father and husband.

 

Pappa Joseph

 

 

I Wish I Could’ve Read A Message Like This Before I Married

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A special message for men planning to get married, and for young husbands.

 

 

When I was a young husband, I read a lot of manuals on having a great marriage, written by ‘relationship experts’. I read even more literature and heard numerous sermons by ordained ministers of God on this subject. There were many good things I learned from both secular and Christian writings and preachings on marriage. But far more than what I gained from them were vital insights that I did not gain from any of them.

After nearly four decades of being a husband to one woman, I have learned many, many, truths about staying married and about what makes a marriage safe and going for life. I could even give a few tips on how to pep up your bedroom life. Perhaps such insights are available elsewhere too, but since I haven’t come across them all in one place yet, I hope that this message will be helpful to many men (and perhaps women too) who earnestly are doing all they can to ensure the lifelong stability of their marriage, but who may have some vital truths missing in their understanding of what makes the marriage institution absolutely safe for life.

I have deliberately avoided words like ‘happy’ and ‘exciting’ when referring to what my insights could do to help a marriage relationship. And one of the most vital truths about marriage I want to share with you in this message, and the one I want to mention first, relates to the subject of happiness in marriage.

To ensure that your marriage will last your lifetime, you should not set your heart – that is, base your life happiness and your sense of success – on a ‘happy’ or ‘exciting’ marriage.

It’s the exact opposite that Hollywood tells us, both on screen and behind the screens. A man meets a woman, falls in love, and the next goal in their life is to have a happy marriage. In movies about man-woman relationship, the film usually ends with a radiant couple looking forward to a happy life together. Back in their homes, the actors and actresses cannot put up beyond a few years the act of having a happy married life. Most of them quit their old relationship and look around for the right partner to get the happiness that eluded them in their first marriage.

According to some media information, 8 out of 10 marriages in Hollywood end in divorce! The official divorce rate for the whole of US in 2009 was 52 percent. It could only be even higher now, several years later, at the time of writing this.

I don’t have the world divorce statistics, but simple observation is enough to convince us that the divorce rate is rocketing even in countries where marriages had been traditionally stable. India is one sad example. My own state, Kerala – where until about a decade ago most wives, except the rare crazy ones, simply cleaved to their husbands no matter what – now has officially the highest divorce rate in India, and possibly, in Asia.

‘[In India] divorce rates have gone up by 150% over the past decade. Kerala, the most literate Indian state, has seen a rise of 350% in the past ten years.’ divorcerate.com

The first need in your marriage is not happiness but ‘protection from destruction’. After you have ensured your relationship with your wife or husband is safe for life, you may think of having a happy and exciting married life.

I wish somebody had counseled me that unhappiness in marriage is inevitable and that couples who are locked together in blissful union during the first few months of married life are very likely to lock horns with each other within a few years.

I think, from my personal count of unhappy marriages, that in 9.9 out of 10 couples, it is the man who is the first to display his unhappiness at something he didn’t like in his life partner. Women, who are more discerning and shrewd by nature, may actually be the first spouse to encounter unhappiness in a marriage, but they are likely to keep their feelings concealed for many years, revealing them only when they are totally exasperated with their husband.

Remember that it is normal for a couple to encounter their first unhappy moment with each other a few weeks, or surely a few months, after their wedding day bliss. If a couple had a continuous happy walk from the aisle to their first anniversary, then they must be an exceptionally patient and forgiving couple, both the husband and the wife.

So, safety rule No. 1 for couples, especially husbands: Enter marriage with the foreknowledge – the expectation – that you will have to live through many unhappy days in your married life because of perceived or actual shortcomings in your spouse that you hadn’t noticed prior to living together as one flesh.

This attitude, this mental acceptance, of marital troubles as a natural part of your marriage process sets in place a firm foundation for you to confront and overcome the future marital irritations, misunderstandings, quarrels and disappointments, which if left to themselves would fester and turn cancerous, and eventually destroy the marriage. Which is what has happened to all those marriages that had begun with the ecstasy and excitement of a fairytale wedding but ended in acrimonious divorce settlements and custody battles.

Once you have accepted the truth that your spouse has many suppressed and repressed faults as you have, which will sooner or later unveil themselves in es dealings with you, you have done about 10 percent of what you could do to ensure the lifelong protection of your marriage.

The next protective step on the husband’s side is to ensure in his own heart that he has a limitless reserve of patience and forgiveness to see him and his wife safely through the trials of living together.

Let me emphasize this truth above everything else in this message:

Unless you receive God’s power to quickly forgive the faults of your spouse, your marriage risks a short lifespan.

Betrayal and bitterness are the two supreme reasons for the failure of marriages. An embittered husband who continues to keep his resentment within him reaches a stage where he cannot endure the acerbity anymore and looks for a sweet solution elsewhere. This is the reason Paul admonishes married men: ‘Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them’  Col 3:19

As for wives, their most serious fault is their failure to maintain the same sense of respect for their husband that they had when they first fell in love with him. A few years into marriage and the wife sees a different man than the one she thought she was marrying. With the man’s exposure of his previously hidden flaws, the woman naturally finds it hard to maintain the same sense of awe and respect she had once felt for her lover. This is the reason Paul tells married women: ‘let the wife see that she respects her husband’.  Eph 5:33

The husband’s greatest danger is not that he might lose respect for his wife, but that he might lose his love for her in his bitterness.

The wife’s greatest risk is not that she might become bitter and lose her love for her husband, but that on getting to know him better, she might start to lose her respect for him and begin to use words and attitudes that would embitter her husband.

Bitterness toward the wife cannot be overcome by the husband’s struggle to be rid of it. But once he realizes the acute danger that bitterness can cause to his relationship with his wife, he can seek God’s intervention fervently.

I know from experience that marital situations that would be absolutely impossible for a man to resolve in his own wisdom and strength become possible to deal with effectively once he earnestly and perseveringly seeks God’s power to do so.

I wish somebody had told me before I married that if I did not do something to curb my tendencies to keep hurt feelings and dwell on my wife’s shortcomings, it would eventually lead my marriage to a crisis. But because both my wife and I feared God from our youth, he delivered us from marital tragedy. But not before we went through decades of needless quarrels and severe heart wounds. But if I had understood before I married, or even in the early years of my marriage, about the serious consequence of the accumulation of hurt feelings, my marriage would not have gone through all the excruciating travails it had to go through until God drew me to his Son after 30 years of flawed husbanding.

You, man of God, who have been given the awesome gift of a life-partner, do not risk keeping within you even an ounce of anger or hurt toward your wife beyond a few hours at the most. Once you realize there is something that is preventing you from loving your wife as God intends you to, then the first and most urgent priority in your life is to daily seek from God his love and power to drive out your hurts and resentments.

Do all in your power through Christ’s help not to go to bed without resolving the matter that has been rankling you throughout the day.

‘When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down.’   Eph 4:26 AMP

Again, let me emphasize, a man’s own struggle to get to bed with a heart free of anger, after he has been wronged by his wife, is impossible for the normal husband.

So, instead of gritting your teeth and struggling to get rid of hurt feelings out of your system, quietly beseech your Helper in heaven to fill your wounded heart with Christ’s love so you can totally and unconditionally forgive your wife.

I am not giving you sentimental Christian platitudes that sound wonderful but in practice are impossible to live by. What I am passing on to you are precious truths that have worked in my own marriage and in the marriages of many other servants of God who have suffered great tribulations in their relationship with their wife.

The thrill will be gone after a few years unless you have learned to forgive your spouse as Christ forgives you.

There are many other vital insights about marriage that I wish somebody had given me when I was a young husband. I will be sharing all these insights in my various messages in this website, to encourage God’s people in laying an unshakeable foundation for a safe and blessed marriage.

But before I close there is one other insight I want to share here. It’s concerning a vital aspect of a husband’s relationship with his wife. Oh, how I wish some wise counselor had given me this insight before I married. It’s about how a wife naturally responds to the amorous overtures of her husband.

I heard a saying long ago that succinctly states the difference of attitude between men and women to sex, but which I in those days had dismissed as someone’s frivolous observation:

‘Men give love to get sex; women give sex to receive love.’

But as my research into marital relationships went deeper, I realized that it is a fairly accurate analysis of the male and female syche in all physical acts of intimacy in a marriage.

I wish someone had counseled me in my bachelor days that women by nature are not interested in sex per se. In plainer language, women can survive a marriage devoid of sex without feeling emotionally and physically devastated…unlike men.

Is there any divorce that was granted on the grounds that the wife wasn’t getting all the sex she wanted from her husband? Unless a woman is afflicted with a rare tragic sickness called nymphomania, no sane wife will discard her husband on the issue of sex alone. Not so the other way round. If a man can’t get all the sex he demands of his wife, she isn’t going to get the chance to sleep with him much longer.

Do not be surprised, feel hurt or become sullen on the many occasions that your wife will treat your romantic advances with outwardly frigid responses. The mistake men make is to interpret the nonresponses as an indication of a diminution of their physical desirability in their wives’ mind. When a wife doesn’t respond with passion to her husband’s sexual urges, unless she is ill, or going through her period, it is not because she does not desire her man making love to her, but because of several factors that act as suppressants of her sexual ardor.

If the woman has been hurt by the husband during the day, and the husband has not soothed her emotions back to normal, she cannot be expected to be very responsive in bed. Perhaps it may not be her husband at all that affected her emotions during the day. It could be worry, or fear, or insecurity, or any of the myriad factors that take away the sense of tranquility that a woman needs in her mind for her libido to awake in her body.

If you desire a great bed partner in your life companion, the best way is not to try to arouse her only when she comes to bed. The budding and blossoming of her physical desire for you is a process that takes many hours, and should start at least twelve hours before bedtime. I don’t mean that you start your amorous demonstrations half a day in advance. The best way is to show affection to your wife is in a nonsexual way throughout the day for her to be able to be receptive to your sexual affections at the end of the day.

Touch her tenderly now and then as you talk to her in the normal course of your daily interactions. Let your eyes emanate gentleness toward her. Especially, take the greatest care with the tone of your voice. The gentle tone of your words throughout the day arouses and prepares your beloved for physical intimacy far more effectively than your impassioned foreplay could by itself.

And one last tip on this subject. Do not tell your wife that you want to make love to her. Something in a woman’s constitution immediately puts up a defensive shield against all sudden proposals of a sexual encounter.

When you have done your work of preparing her carefully throughout the day for her total receptivity to you, then just go ahead and make love. A woman’s syche enjoys unrequested, and even unexpected, submission to her husband more than it would after a planned and pre-determined submission.

The above insights are the foremost of what I personally wish I could have known before I married. There are, of course, far more, and I hope to share them with you in my future messages.

In the meantime, God bless your relationship with your wife, and give you even more insights on how to have a lifelong safe and blessed marriage as you diligently study his Word and keep his commandments.

 

Pappa Joseph